To be honest, I still don’t think it’s really hit me yet. If you’ve never visualized your idol calling you on the phone before, I would recommend you give it a try- just in case if they do, you don’t put them on hold and freak out. I always had this feeling in my gut that I was made to do great things. I’m not talking about serving in the military, or being a missionary overseas. I’ve done both, but always had a hunger for…more. My dreams are of me on stages talking to the thousands, making people laugh and letting them know they aren’t alone. For now, I know my stage is wherever my feet are, and my audience is whoever I come in contact with. I think the past chapter of my life was me being tested with the ‘few’, to see if I was ready for the ‘many’. I think I passed.
I think the most surprising thing for me right now is how everyone responded to my episode. I couldn’t believe how many ‘great job’ and ‘you killed it’ messages & comments I got. Did we watch the same thing? Didn’t you see me lose? I watch the episode and think ‘man you blew it’. I would never, ever say that to another athlete or a friend, so why am I so hard on myself?
I love fitness, in a world full of instant gratification I enjoy watching the muscles on my body struggle to perform, yet fall into place with memory. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015, and while I don’t talk about it I can tell you I never left a therapists office feeling like I just PR’d. They say time heals all wounds, but only if you address them. See my mind is like a bad neighborhood, I should never go through it alone…I heard that once in an AA meeting and it stuck. My wounds are old AF but infected, and no matter how many bandages I put on top at the end of the day I need to go in and scrape them out. That why healing hurts and gets worse first before it gets better.
It’s 3 a.m. and I refuse to become a medicated zombie via the VA for my insomnia. If I can’t sleep, I work. It’s that simple. The fire has been lit within me, and I’m being held captive by my hunger pains. Everyone knows you can’t go to sleep hungry, which is why the hungriest person in the room tends to have insomnia.